Gruzinskie Chaczapuri

Who should go here: American expats wanting rude treatment and crappy food in Krakow.

Warsaw Expat Consumer gives it: one half lame imitation ethnic cuisine out of five.

Folks, I've been to Georgia. I've eaten Georgian food in Georgian homes and Georgian restaurants. This is not Georgian food. It is what some lame restauranteur came up with after reading a page ripped out of a Georgian cookbook and listening to fourth-hand stories about Georgian cuisine.

Their wine list contains Georgian wines from one of the largest Georgian wine exporters in existence. I can't recall the name at this point, but recognize the bottles from the pictures in their wine list because I've bought the same label in the United States. That is where the authenticity ends, and it ain't a helluva beginning because most Georgians drink home made stuff, not commercially produced. I reviewed the menu of this place in passing a few times (there are Gruzinskie Chaczapuri franchises like rabbit offspring in the old market area in Krakow). When sitting down making the actual decision on what to eat, the choice becomes no easier. My absolute favorite dish, Mtsvadi, was made a mockery of in the menu. I didn't bother; instead I ordered what sounded like Mtsvadi made with chicken instead of the pork it should be made with. My starchy accompaniment choices were french fries or rice, neither of which is a smash hit in Georgia. To spare you the details, the fries were passably good, the chicken skewer was over-spiced and not very good.

The best part was the rude waitress. I went to the Grodzka 3 location in Krakow. From the moment I arrived, the waitress thrust an English-language menu at me, was curt and rude to just the border of me having nothing reasonable to complain about, and spent as little time as humanly possible in my vicinity. An American couple, having cleared out while I was eating, was to the best of my knowledge made fun of as their waiter and my waitress cleared their table. I did not hear what they were saying, but their body language led me to believe they were making fun of them. When I was finished with my meal, and the waitress asked me about the bill, I said, "chcialbym zaplacic karta" (I'd like to pay with my card). To this point, she really hadn't given me an opportunity to speak Polish, and as a native English speaker, when I'm spoken to in English, I speak English in return. She appeared unpleasantly and embarrasedly (is that a word?) surprised. She remarked that she didn't know I spoke Polish and ("to fajna zabawa") what a fine pretense it was. Her demeanor implied that she felt busted about making fun of the couple. I felt vindicated. To that point, I had intended to apologize to her in Polish for being an American. I think she got the point, though. Oh, and I might add, this was (according to her nametag) head waitress Krystyna.

If you absolutely must, you can find this poop-hole at Grodzka 3, at the corner of Florianska. In Krakow old town. *spit*